10th October, 2024 - Congratulations you f*****g b*****d

Writer's envy is real.

I know this because I routinely feel it in response to another writer's success. They rarely post on social media - but when they do, it's typically because of some writing project they've had success with. The latest of which: they've just scored a 3-book publishing deal.

Now I should make it clear that my first and foremost reaction is one of genuine joy. I care very much about this individual and seeing them succeed is a wonderful thing to experience. I always knew this person would go on to be a successful writer and it's thrilling to see it happen and think about the times we shared when we were just starting out.

But it also brings to mind, quickly after the initial joy dissipates, the sharp reality of how different our paths are. When I imagined the future success of this writer, I thought of it in tandem with my own. That we would both be going into a future of writerly success. Now it feels as if they are running towards a finishing line whilst I'm falling over trying to get my shoes on.

I know that their success has come off the back of continuous hard work over a sustained period. I've also known for a while that I need to step it up a notch when it comes to my commitment to just write and keep writing. This is, I think and hope, where the good side of envy starts to kick in. It becomes a motivating force to double down on my writing.

It's amazing to see people you care about enjoy success, though it may be hard to swallow when the thing they're succeeding in is exactly what you want to be doing. I try my best to keep seeing it as an opportunity to push. I also try to remind myself that even if our journeys are happening at different speeds, there's no rush and no monopoly on achieving success in the things you're most passionate about.

Just got to keep on truckin'.

14th March, 2024 - well that was a waste of time

I've given up on the copywriting thing.

It took me taking a break from chasing freelance clients whilst I moved house to realise that I really could not be bothered to start up again. And that led to a deeper conversation with my partner where he essentially told me the hard truth that he'd known me for 10 years and in those 10 years I have constantly been saying "I need to make money elsewhere to support my writing," but maybe that excuse has run its course.

We've got our mortgage, we're making money, we're in a safe position for me to not worry about chasing extra income. Which means, I have no excuse to not focus on writing. A strange feeling. It makes me realise how many obstacles I've been putting in my own way to hold back the inevitable time when I have to spend time doing the thing I claim I wish I had more time to do. Well, it's here. I have the time.

I've decided to take on a more methodical approach to writing this time around. I've got a list of topics and I've gathered resources for each of those. I'm then going to follow this structure that I found on reddit which encourages you to think of each topic as if you were on a university course. I'm going to spend time writing with each topic as a focus as well as looking for close readings that illustrate that topic and writing mini-essays on places where this technique is used well/not so well. Whilst doing that I'll try and share work online to open it up to criticism. This seems a much better way of improving as before I'd always struggled to judge my progress.

Let's see how this goes. Time to put the work in.

9th November, 2023 - back to the journal

As with anything in life, it's important to maintain some sense of balance. A lot of my mental energy is going into pushing the freelance copywriter stuff now so I need to remember to take time for the other parts of my creative life I enjoy.

Reading is usually the first thing to go, but I zipped through Denis Johnson's 'Train Dream' yesterday and it felt wonderful to be back in the throws of a good story. The daily journal is making a slow comeback with recordings of the trivial, everyday and more consequential. And eventually, I want to get back to my creative journal with writing exercises. That always felt like a nice safe space to just play and experiment with words, stories and ideas. With some kind of routine in place for driving the freelance work forward, it will do me good to slowly get back to my books and journals. Balance.